


it was worth it in the end

by lovecamedown



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Finn centric, Finn finds his place, Finn is RIGHTFULLY mad, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, TROS continuation, but it's not a fond mention, mentions of the reylo kiss, self discovery, unfortunately
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23476102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovecamedown/pseuds/lovecamedown
Summary: Five months after the war, Finn is training to be a medic and helping rehabilitate ex-stormtroopers in a slowly growing clinic. He's finding himself and his place in the Galaxy, but one thing is still not right.He doesn't know how to tell Rey that he's upset with her. Doesn't know how to tell her that she's the face of his nightmares, these days.[a love letter to the finnrey i fell in love with in 2015.]
Relationships: Finn/Rey (Star Wars)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 38
Collections: Finnrey Fanfic Connection





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> A goodbye, of sorts.  
> Not to Finnrey or Star Wars, but to sequel trilogy canon. This is canon-compliant, probably for the last time from me when I write Finnrey. I’m still so hurt by what happened and I needed to find a way to accept canon, finish it properly, and move on.  
> Title is from Daughtry’s September, because even though things have never looked the same since post-TFA, and even through all that’s happened the past four years, some great things have come from it all. Friends I’ve made, things we’ve created. And Finn and Rey got me through some very, very rough times.  
> Not in most but, in some ways, it was worth it in the end.  
> I hope it’s been worth it for Finn and Rey, too; I hope their ending in the fic is worth it for them, I hope they’re happy with where I’ve put them. Here, they found their happiness in the end and honestly, it’s the least I can do for them. They deserve this. The Finn and Rey I fell in love with back in 2015—they deserve this.  
> I love them so dearly.  
> I hope this is worth it for you, too.  
> Enjoy.
> 
> [PS: I completely made up the planet Arkoens because I couldn't find a proper canon planet that fit lmao. it's pronounced "arkens"]

Part One

In a small, two-bedroom apartment in the heart of the medical district in the capital city on a planet named Arkoens, Finn lives with his friend and roommate, Jannah. It’s been five months since the Final Order fell and, after everything that happened, Finn knew almost immediately what he wanted to do with his life. The epiphany was unexpected; he had never given too much thought in to what he would do if he had his own life. Really, he thought just staying away from the Order would be enough for him. But now, after everything he’s seen, after fighting and helping save the galaxy, after seeing a lot of friends fall and fewer friends rise, he knows what it is he has to—and wants to—do. 

One day when Poe, Rey, Jannah and Finn were discussing life in the galaxy after the Order, they talked about some of the other escaped troopers and how it was more difficult for them to get the medical help they needed. He and Jannah had looked at each other and, without a single word spoken, knew their calling. 

“I heard about some Resistance allies who were taking in some of us,” Jannah had said to him that night when everyone else was asleep and it was just the two of them in the mess hall. “Ex-stormtroopers, I mean. On Arkoens. It’s a largely inhabited planet, with every kind of settlement you could imagine. There are oceans, cities, farms, everything. They’re finding some ex-troopers who are kind of lost in translation. Bringing them in from the cold.” 

Finn nodded. He paused, completely sure of what he was going to say next, but not sure how it would sound out loud. “I…was thinking,” he hesitated, taking in a quick breath, “there are thousands of them. Stormtroopers. Hundreds of thousands, all who need help and rehabilitation. Not all of them will have come to the same realisations as us, and not all of them would’ve been able to escape. They’ll have nowhere to turn.” 

Jannah had looked at him like she understood already. “You want to help them?” 

He looked down at the table, wrapped his hands tighter around his mug of tea, and nodded. 

“You know, Finn, you _are_ allowed to do things for yourself, too. It doesn’t always have to be for someone else.” 

“I am,” he’d said, looking back up to meet her eyes, “This is for me, too. I want to go to Arkoens to train as a medic. And maybe I can use those skills to help rehabilitate the troopers. I was talking to one of the allies who’s helping troopers already; he’s a professor at a med school in the capital city, right where they’re setting up the programme.” 

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” he says, “I feel—it feels right. I feel called to it, you know?” 

A small smile had twitched at Jannah’s lips. She knew his idea all along, of course, and her smile gave it away. Her eyes sparked with excitement. “When do we start?” 

Finn had been sad, but prepared, to say goodbye to Rey and Poe for this next chapter in his life, knowing that with everything that’s happened, and with all the things that he hasn’t quite processed yet, he’s ready for something new. His whole life has been about one thing: the Order. Whichever side of the battle he’s been standing on, it’s been the only path he’s been able to take. Fighting. And he’s ready, now, to find his place in the galaxy—when that galaxy is _free_. Free because he and his friends—his _family_ —fought for it. And it’s going to be hard to be apart, Finn thought. 

That was until he told Rey and Poe of he and Jannah’s plans, and it turned out that all three of them were thinking of heading to the same place. Well, the same planet at least; Poe is going to a smaller city of Arkoens to work for a former resistance-run company that produces and quality-controls ships. A lot of resistance members are headed to the planet for similar reasons.

Finn and Poe’s friendship has always been special. Poe understands him, and the two of them are similar but so very different, in a way that makes things so unique, precious and certainly never dull. Being together all the time on missions has brought them so close together.

But life happens, and the love between Poe and Finn will never die; only change as life does. 

Rey is going to one of the large towns in the southern hemisphere to work at an orphanage. 

“They don’t pay me, but I get to live in the compound for free and I get food and provisions with that,” Rey had said, excitement in her eyes. Finn had smiled, his heart flooding with joy, knowing that that really is the perfect place for Rey to go. Helping children who are going through what she did—living with no family, feeling so scared and alone—is the perfect fit for her. She is compassionate and gentle, and Finn wishes he could be with her always to watch her thrive. Wishes he could always be with her in general; to be in her presence, in her atmosphere. 

But that’s just the thing, really.

Finn grew up surrounded by fear, uncertainty and change. Nothing ever felt right; nothing ever felt safe or secure. And even since escaping and accomplishing everything he has, there’s always a sense of uncertainty to things. But the one thing he has never, ever been unsure of—the one thing in the galaxy that he will always know, with his whole soul, is true—is his love for Rey. 

But things changed when the Order fell, when Rey passed away and he felt it—searing pain; loss like he’s never known before—and then when Kylo saved her and then _he_ died. (Finn can’t bring himself to call him “Ben.” Neither can Jannah, or any of the defected stormtroopers. Even Poe. It doesn’t feel right.). Finn’s love for Rey didn’t change in that moment; it never could. But the way he saw their relationship changed. 

He respects Rey’s ability to forgive Kylo Ren, to believe in him. But the fact she sometimes seems to expect everyone else to do the same doesn’t feel right. He doesn’t understand how or _why_ Rey would ever want to know someone like that, let alone _kiss_ them (when he and Poe found out, they had a very concerned conversation about whether or not Rey really realised the implications of that, and the fact that love shouldn’t _hurt_ you; but ultimately decided not to bring it up with her (Finn still isn’t sure that was the right call)), but he respects her decision to do so. And, likewise, she should respect that it’s not that easy for everyone else. She’s trying to respect it, at least. Finn’s noticed she’s trying. 

It’s not all magic and happy now just because Kylo turned back. Finn is the first person who understands the importance of choosing who you want to be, and the importance in others respecting that choice; and he doesn’t want to discredit Kylo for making the right choice before the end. After being so dedicated to the Dark Side, it can’t have been easy to make that turn from dark to light. (Although Finn never understood the dilemma. Good wins, every time. Surely that’s obvious?). But it doesn’t automatically make everything that happened before that alright again. In fact, it will _never_ be alright. Finn thinks Rey knows that better than anyone, but she just doesn’t realise it. 

Still, it’s not just about Kylo. It’s just…different. Sometimes it feels like Rey leads him in to danger just so she can be the one to get him out. (And when he tries to help she, quite literally in some cases, pushes him away.) But maybe that’s not fair, to assume that of her intentions. And besides, he understands the need to help, and the desire to be recognised for it. It’s only natural. And Finn knows, deep down, that she would never knowingly put him in danger. He also knows that he would follow her in to any danger, any fight, any unknown situation. 

And he loves her. Of course he loves her—she’s _Rey_. She’s family. And she loves him. He can feel that, at least.

But it’s different. 

His love for her is his weakness. There are nights when all he thinks about is what it was like to feel her die; the utter despair and heartbreak, knowing that the brightest light in his life had just been extinguished. He tosses and turns for hours on end, waiting for and dreading that feeling hitting again, wishing he could be with her always to make sure it _never_ happens again. To always make sure she’s okay. She is the light in his life.

And that’s the problem. 

He needs to know who he is without her.

And he thinks he’s figuring it out.

“You want caf?” Jannah asks one morning, holding a steaming jug above his empty cup. Of course he wants caf. It’s very early in the morning; they’re just about to start a pre-sunrise shift at the clinic. As part of their studies, they have been placed in the growing stormtrooper rehabilitation centre under the supervision of their professor (the man Finn had spoken to months ago, who had given him the inspiration to move here), giving them practical experience and first-hand learning opportunities. Sometimes he’ll get given a shift at the neighbouring general medical centre, and he’s on call for help at various other clinics in the city. And, as challenging as it is, he enjoys it. Feeling like he’s making a difference in these people’s lives is incredible; seeing how a little child’s smile returns to their face as they get better, reading stories to the children’s clinic at night when they can’t sleep, talking to elderly people of all species and hearing about their life stories and sharing his with them. Not to mention the rehabilitation centre itself. All the people who know who he is, who trust him and tell him their heartbreaking stories of being in the Order; and he can help them! Every day, he gains knowledge on how to do that. And with his Force abilities, it adds another dimension to it all. He can not only sense people’s feelings, their fears and the weight of burdens they carry, but he can see them, too. Different colours, intensities, movements in the Force. It makes the job harder, in a sense, but easier in another.

He isn’t sure yet what particular vein of the medical profession he wants to get in to—for his first few years, he’s doing general practical training—and he doesn’t know how he’s going to choose something specific. It’s all amazing. Challenging, tiring and draining, but amazing. During each year of study he’s spending a month on a residential trip to a different school or hospital to diversify his training, and help him make up his mind about what field he’d like to settle in. 

He, Rey, Jannah and Poe meet for dinner when they can fit it in to their often conflicting schedules. It’s just enough distance from everyone for him to feel independent, but not so much he feels abandoned. He has _friends_. A family. Maybe not a home just yet, at least not in the sense he always imagined it, but he’s going somewhere other than down a doomed path. 

He feels more than alive. He feels like he’s _living_. 

This morning, he meets a new referral to the rehab clinic, reaching out to shake her hand, his heart aching when she doesn’t reach to shake his in return. (It’s like she doesn’t know if she’s _allowed_ to do anything in return.) He just smiles at her, hoping it’s reassuring, and gestures for her to sit. She’s human, with fiery red hair and dark brown eyes. Her name is Leiyna. She has brought herself to the clinic, which is already a step further than some other cases they’ve had. Sometimes the staff—Finn specifically—receive threats from ex-troopers who haven’t broken free of their conditioning; troopers who want revenge for the fall of the Order and still feel a sense of duty. Finn understands, in a way. He always knew what was right, but not everyone did. Some will have done as they were told and believed what they were told, because believing in the cause was the best way for them to survive.

There’s a team of people volunteering for the clinic who track down the threats, and the people get detained in the city’s cells while they’re assessed. Usually, they’re released in to supervised custody of the clinic where they’re treated and slowly brought out of conditioning.

They get all sorts, here. 

Leiyna is looking around the room with trepidation. “I know you’re scared, and confused, and above all else, just want to know what the hell this is all about,” Finn says. He’s sitting next to her, handing over a cup of water. “But the fact you came here on your own is really great, you know?” 

She looks down at the cup like she’s not sure if she’s allowed to do anything with it.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk.” 

“I just…,” she exhales shakily, “don’t know what to do with myself.” 

Finn’s heart does that painful, empathetic lurch in his chest again. “I understand. That’s why we’re here.” He pauses, and then, “Leiyna, you are your own person now. You can make your own decisions and build your own sense of self. I know that sounds daunting and overwhelming, but just know that you are not alone, and we care about you.” 

Her eyes fill with tears, and Finn can feel the effort it takes her to swallow them all back down. 

He shows her to the ward she’ll be staying on, apologising that it’s not a private room, explaining that it’s because the clinic is only just getting on its feet and they don’t have a lot of space. She vehemently says it’s fine, that this is the most privacy she’s ever had—three curtains surrounding her bed and a few storage lockers. Once again, Finn’s heart hurts. He knows exactly how coming from that life feels. 

Dr. Ondo—Finn’s professor and supervisor—comes in the room then, holding a small pile of files in his arms. He smiles at Finn and Leiyna as he approaches. 

“Hello, you must be Leiyna,” he puts his files down on a nearby table and approaches Leiyna with a gentle smile, reaching out his hand for her to shake. She does, this time, albeit hesitantly. “I’m Dr Ondo, the supervisor here at the clinic. Welcome.” 

“Dr. Ondo is also my professor,” Finn adds, “I’m a medical student.” 

There’s a little spark of something behind Leiyna’s eyes when she hears that. Finn can’t quite place it—maybe it’s hope, or surprise, or both. Or something completely different; Finn supposes even Leiyna probably doesn’t know what any of it means right now. 

“A student?” She asks, tentative. “Like, voluntarily?”

Finn smiles and tries not to make it come across like he’s pitying her. “Yeah. After the fall of the Order, my friend Jannah and I decided to come here, to study and build this clinic.” 

Her eyes are shining now. Finn can see it—it’s amazement. “Oh,” she says, “wow. You—really are moving on from the Order.” 

“Yeah. It is possible, you know. With a little help from friends,” Finn light-heartedly nudges Leiyna’s elbow and it makes her smile. “You’ll find your place before you know it, too.” 

She looks down. The room falls silent for a moment, and the glow of excitement surrounding her fades. “I don’t know if I’ll ever find my place.” 

Finn stops his forehead wrinkling before it gets a chance to turn in to a frown. Instead, he tries to smile encouragingly. “Of course you will. And until you do, you’re not alone.”

Dr. Ondo talks her through some of the programs they run at the clinic that would be suitable for her—talking therapies, group therapies, injury recovery, training for basic tasks that the Order didn’t teach—and it must be overwhelming for her, Finn thinks, but she seems to be handling it well. Some previous patients, even the ones who come voluntarily, have found it all to be a bit much at first. 

She has several injuries to her arms and shoulders that were never attended to properly, so Doc writes down on her notes that she needs scans, bacta injections, physical therapy and possibly pain medication. He explains that he’ll get Finn to run some basic tests to make sure her vitals are all clear and that she’s well nourished. 

After her briefing, Finn shows her around. He takes her to the little library area and, when he tells her that she can read any of the books on the shelves, she looks at him in shock. “I can just pick one up and read it when I want?” 

“Yes. Just as long as you don’t pick it up from someone else’s hands,” he teases. “You might even find you have a favourite genre. Maybe you’ll like every genre.” 

“I don’t even know where to start.” 

“When you meet Jannah, ask her about it. She’s read almost every book in here and she’s great at recommendations.” 

“Yeah. Maybe I will.” 

Finn smiles at her. She smiles back, and it’s a mixture of relief, sadness and hope. 

Finn never ceases to be amazed when he meets every ex trooper who is just like he was. He understands. He really, truly understands them. 

“Heard you up late last night,” Jannah comments one morning, a steaming mug of caf cupped between both her hands. “Weren’t you tired? You had a hell of a day yesterday.” 

He’d done a ten hour shift at the clinic, three lectures and two hours in the library writing his essay. Of course he was tired when he got back, but being absolutely exhausted doesn’t stop the nightmares, even when sleep comes easily for him. 

“Yeah, just couldn’t sleep properly.” 

“Nightmare?” 

He looks down at his holopad—it’s not even switched on—and nods. “Yeah.” 

Jannah comes and sits beside him on the couch. “Wanna talk about it?” 

“I’ve had it before. It’s nothing new.” 

His holopad suddenly lights up. It’s an incoming holovid call from Rey. He rejects it immediately. 

Jannah pulls her head back a little in shock. “Okay, judging by that, I’m guessing it was the Rey nightmare?” 

Finn shrugs, mumbling, “there’s more than one Rey nightmare.” And then he sighs, throwing his pad on to the cushion beside him and putting his head in his hands. “It was the one where she pushes me back when fighting Kylo Ren, just like it happened. Except she screams that she hates me, her eyes go yellow, and she joins him. And looks at me like…like I’m something she wishes she never laid eyes on.” 

Jannah sighs. “I’m sorry. I know that’s a little too real.” 

“When it happened in real life, I…I thought she hated me. I thought she was gone.” 

“But she doesn’t hate you,” Jannah says. “You know that.” 

“Do I?” 

“Of course you do! Come on, your brain is telling you lies now, Finn, you know how it likes to do that.” 

Finn nods. “I know. I just—feel like an idiot. Following her all the way around the galaxy and she just pushed me away like that. Like I didn’t even matter. And then she just kept running, kept leaving, and I still followed her blindly even when she didn’t seem to care. And yet—I still cared. More than anything.” 

“Finn,” Jannah reaches out to hold his hand. “Your compassion is not your weakness. You’ve always cared so deeply about everyone around you and believed in them, regardless of what happens and how impossible something looks, and it’s fucking amazing. I know sometimes it can make you a little more vulnerable. But it’s one of the things I love about you, and Poe loves about you, and Rey. Everyone!” 

“I’m just sick of giving my all to people, and not knowing if they’ll give me it back.” 

“You know Rey regrets what she did.” 

“Do I?” He asks, looking up at her now, trying to swallow down the hot tears that burn the backs of his eyes. “She never mentioned it again. Just expected me to forgive her. Which—I mean, I do. Obviously. I think. But…,” he shakes his head, words fading to nothing. 

Jannah nods, squeezing his hand. “I know, Finn. I know.” 

“I’m sick of getting hurt, and just forgiving and forgetting. Why am I not allowed to be mad?” 

“You are. Around me you are, anyway. You can shout and curse and throw plates at the wall if that’s what you need to get your anger out.” 

Finn chuckles a little and shakes his head. 

“But seriously, Finn, no one is going to blame you for being mad when something is fucked up. It’s okay. It’s _okay_.” 

He swallows. Hesitates, looking away. “If I get mad at Rey, I’m afraid it’ll hurt her.” 

“Healthy relationships have issues that you work through,” she strokes her thumb over the top of Finn’s hand as he nods, “and you know she’s tough.” 

“Tougher than me,” Finn murmurs. 

“No, she’s not. You are the toughest person I’ve ever met. Don’t say things like that—that’s the kind of talk that _isn’t_ allowed! Lies, Finn!” 

Finn laughs again. He runs his hand over his hair and takes a deep breath. “Thank you.” 

“Love you.” She reaches out her arms for a hug, and Finn leans in to hug her back. 

“Love you.” 

“If you feel up to calling Rey back, do it. If not, maybe just send her a message, so she knows you’re okay. You know how she worries.” 

_She wasn’t worried about me when she almost pushed me in to a storming ocean._

Oh. 

That was an unexpected and uncontrolled thought. He doesn’t want to mean it, but maybe it’s time to admit he really _is_ mad about that. 

Now he just needs to learn to be okay with that, and work through it, and not feel like he’s a terrible person for feeling a normal emotion. 

Finn runs a support group for Resistance veterans at the clinic once a week. There are about twelve people in total, although it varies week to week, comprised of all different species, ages, and genders. Finn knows that there isn’t always something someone can say to you to make things better—no one can take away the nightmares, the horror, any of it—but it’s invaluable to know that you aren’t alone. Finn knows that more than anyone. That’s what the group gives to people. 

Tonight, though, something feels different. 

He always has a general sense of Rey; of her life, the energy she has, her heartbeat. It varies in its detail and intensity, but he knows when she’s near or when she’s far. And, tonight, she’s here. In the medical centre. He can feel her as she navigates the corridors toward the support group’s room, and his heart picks up speed in his chest. 

It’s only been a few hours since his last Rey nightmare—they’re getting worse—and it’s still raw. Sensing her so close is one thing, but seeing her and hearing her speak will be especially hard.

When she enters, although Finn had sensed her arrival, he’s still taken aback. 

“Rey,” he says, abandoning his post at the refreshment table and heading toward her at the door. Her lightsaber is at her hip. She’s wearing a grey T-shirt, cropped black trousers, and her hair is down and brushing at her shoulders. She looks beautiful, as always. But there’s something wrong—Finn can see her anxiety. It’s a three hour speeder journey from the Orphanage to Finn’s place. She doesn’t normally show up unannounced.

“What are you doing here? Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine, Finn,” she says, smiling softly at him. She looks like she wants to reach out to him, but doesn’t. “I just. It’s been a rough week. You know—mentally. I just thought I’d come to the group; see if it helps.” 

“Do they not have a support group where you live?” 

She looks hurt, blinking in surprise and leaning back a little. “Do you not want me here?” Her voice is small.

“No! I mean, yes! Of course I do,” he reaches out to touch the top of her arm. Her expression softens as he does so. And of course he’s telling the truth—no matter what, Rey is always, always welcome to be with him. He just wishes he could stop being afraid to tell her how he really feels. “You know you’re always welcome. I just hoped they’d have some support for you closer to where you are.”

“They do,” she shrugs one shoulder. Her gaze is gently pointed as she says, “I just…wanted to see you, too. It—helps.” 

Finn’s heart lurches. “Of course. Hey, you know you’re always welcome here. I didn’t mean to make you think otherwise.” 

“It’s okay,” she leans in to hug him, and he hugs back. (He always will.) She feels like home.

When she pulls away, they head over to the refreshment table and Finn pours them a cup of caf each. 

“How’s the group been going?” She asks. 

“Really good,” he smiles, guiding her over to the circular table where everyone in the group sits. On weeks when more people show up, they abandon the table completely and just sit in a big circle of chairs. This week, though, it’s quiet enough to use the table, a useful place to put their caf and sweet treats. “I think people are finding it really helpful. Even I do, and I’m the leader.” 

Rey nods. They’re sitting side by side, Rey holding her mug up to her face while Finn lets his sit on the table, one hand wrapped around it. He hates that he can’t look at her properly without feeling— _something_. Something not quite right. “That’s really great, Finn. I—I wish I lived closer, so I could come every week. Things have been…kind of rough. I could use the support.” 

Finn straightens in his seat and frowns at her. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine, Finn,” she reaches out a hand and places it gently on Finn’s thigh. His heart rate quickens and his skin burns where she’s touching. He wants her to never move away, even when he’s feeling as conflicted as he is right now. “Don’t worry. It’s just been…,” she sighs, “a lot of nightmares, panic attacks, that kind of thing.” 

Finn looks away. “Me, too.” He admits. 

Her grip on his thigh tightens for a tiny moment. “Sounds like we could both use the support.” She says. And then, softer, “you make everything better, Finn.” 

Finn nods, but feels like crying because he loves her and of _course_ he wants her around, and normally it would be a big help to his healing process, but he’s _hurt_. If he could only find the courage to tell her.…

“Is…there something wrong?” She asks. Finn realises he’s been lost in thought for a little too long.  
“Oh, no,” he looks up at her and swallows back his tears. “No, I’m fine, Rey. Just tired. Like I said—nightmares.” It’s not a lie. 

At the end of group session, Finn sees out all the members like he does every week. He hugs them, encourages them in how far they’ve come, and tells them to come back next week, and bring a friend any time. 

Rey hangs back as he does so, returning waves to the people at the door who give her a quick wave before leaving. She waits at the table, absently swilling the last of her caf around the bottom of her mug. 

“Finn, that was—you have such a gift for this,” she says as he closes the doors behind the last person. “It’s so clear how much you’ve helped these people. These…amazing people.” 

Finn smiles. “Thank you, Rey. It means a lot.” He starts clearing empty plates and cups away from the table. One of the group members always cooks a sweet treat for everyone, week in week out. This week it was small little cakes with a a sweet, bright blue topping. 

“Do you need any help clearing up?” 

“Thank you, that’d be great. If you could just help me clear things in to the kitchen area to clean.” 

Rey nods and does as he asks. They work in silence for a good few minutes, and it’s comfortable. Nice. Just like it should be—like it used to be. Before nightmares and broken hearts and losing oneself in it. 

“So, Finn, I wanted to talk to you about something,” Rey says as Finn loads the crockery in to the dishwashing device. 

He looks up at her briefly. She’s leaning against the work top, arms folded casually over her chest. “Yeah?” 

“Before I came down here, I ran in to your professor.”

“Dr. Ondo? He’s nice, isn’t he?” 

“He seems great,” she smiles. “We got to talking and he said how brilliantly you’ve been doing.” 

Finn chuckles. “He’s too generous. I’m really just getting started.” 

“Well, he says you’re very advanced,” she smiles, and Finn smiles too. “So then he mentioned that you’ll be going on a residency in a month’s time to further your training. It’s to allow you time to learn under the instruction of a different supervisor in a different setting, yeah?” 

“That’s right. So I can get used to working in different specific environments.”

“Well, I asked if you’d chosen somewhere yet, and he said no.” 

Finn closes the machine and turns to her, mirroring her position against the counter. “Yeah. There’s just so much to choose from. Elderly patients, young patients, specific condition patients…I’ll do a residency each year in my training, so I have a few chances, but it’s still hard to choose. Especially because I haven’t chosen my field yet. Maybe residency will help.”

“Well,” Rey drawls, and Finn senses excitement in her, sees it around her, flashing gold and white. “I suggested that maybe you could come and work at the orphanage. There’s a great medic there who Dr. Ondo happens to know, and…when I suggested it, he said it sounded like a great idea.” 

Finn is taken aback. He raises his eyebrows. “You mean…coming to work with you? At the orphanage?” 

“Yeah!” She smiles, “I thought it would be nice. We could spend some time together, you could see where I live, and meet some of the kids I take care of.” 

“Dr. Ondo said yes?” 

“Yes!” She’s so happy and excited and Finn is, too—really, he is—but it’s complicated. He doesn’t say anything, and her radiant expression dwindles a little. She searches his eyes. “Do you not want to? I thought…you’d want to.” 

“No, I do!” He looks in to her eyes and sees her push him away, sees her running off to be with Kylo Ren and not him and Poe, sees his nightmares and hears her scream _I hate you!—_ “I do. It sounds great, Rey.” And it does. Really, it does. Being with Rey for a whole month, helping kids who need it, seeing a new part of this planet he calls home…it’s perfect, really. If only he could confess that she hurt him, and that he’s not totally okay with it. 

She smiles again. Leans in to hug him, and he hugs back. 

“It’ll be fine,” he tells Jannah later that day, sitting at the dining table, poking food around his plate. 

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself? I’m already convinced.” 

Finn laughs through his nose. He’s looking down, eyes following the absent movements of his fork. “No, I’m convinced, too. It’s Rey. I can’t let myself be…I can’t let myself _not_ want to see her. She’s _Rey._ ”

“Are you going to tell her how you feel?” 

“How I feel about what?” Finn looks up at her. “About Rey?” 

A small smile tugs Jannah’s lips. “I mean, by all means tell her you love her but that’s not what I meant—”

“What?” Finn exclaims, no malice in his voice, smiling bashfully.

“What? You _do_ love her!”  
“I—of course I do! Just like I love you, and Poe, and all my friends!” 

Jannah gives him a look. “You know that’s not the kind of love I mean.” 

Finn shakes his head and hastily changes the subject, poking his fork at her. “Alright, alright, stop messing with me and tell me what you really meant by ‘tell Rey how you feel’.”  
“Finn,” Jannah gives him a cautious, gentle look. “Have you ever thought that maybe the reason you’re having so many nightmares is because you’re keeping it bottled up? The longer you stew without telling her the truth, the more it’s going to build up.” 

Finn stays silent. He doesn’t know what to say to that. She’s right, really. It’s a valid point. “Okay, that’s a fair point.” 

“You run a therapy group, Finn. You know the value of _talking_ about how you feel.” 

“I just…what if it ruins everything? If I tell her I’m mad at her for hurting me, what if it leaves us feeling awkward?” 

“Finn,” Jannah’s voice is soft now, no more teasing, and she puts her fork down by her plate, reaching out to place her hand over Finn’s. “I know it’s hard for us,” she says, “to trust in strong, healthy interactions. As kids, say one wrong thing and it was time to be punished. Look at some one wrong, it was time to be punished. But, Finn,” she squeezes his hand, “the people in our lives now— _real_ people, who we have _real_ relationships with—we have to trust that our relationships are strong. And healthy. You know? If I came to you saying I was mad at you for something you’d done, would you hate me forever?” 

“No! Of course not,” Finn replies instantly. He deflates a moment later and sighs through his nose, looking down again. “But it’s not like I’m mad at her for insulting my cooking or something. She—she hurt me, but it’s not just that. It’s Kylo, it’s the nightmares I have. It’s her pulling back from me time and time again as if I was a stranger. It’s…complicated.” 

Jannah nods. “Also a fair point,” she smiles, a little sadly. “But, Finn, the sentiment is still the same. If you tell her you’re having nightmares about everything that happened, you know she’ll want to fix it. She’s a true friend, Finn. You know that—through everything the two of you have been through, your friendship is strong. Just because this is a rough patch, doesn’t mean it’ll ruin everything. Trust, Finn.” 

Finn smiles, tiny and barely there, and chuckles fondly. “Rey always says that one of the things she admires most about me is how easily I trust people, but I still stay smart and don’t trust where I shouldn’t.” 

“See? Trust yourself to trust her.” 

Finn nods. “Okay,” he resolves, “I’ll try and—find a way to tell her. It’s gonna be hard to keep it from her anyway, because she already knows something’s up.”

“She does?” Jannah asks, surprised until it clicks, “oh, right, the _Force_. Between you two it’s always the Force.”  
“What does that mean?” 

“I just mean…well, you said it yourself. The Force brought the two of you together. Finn, you always know where she is, if she’s safe, how she’s feeling. You told me last week that you can see everyone’s emotions, but hers ‘burn so bright sometimes it’s blinding’,” she says, imitating him using her fingers as quotes. “Sometimes I think you should be a poet.”

Playfully, Finn rolls his eyes. “I tell you these things in confidence and all you do is make fun of me!” he laughs.

“I’m not making fun of you! Seriously, you could kill it as a poet! Some of the sappy things that come out of your mouth…especially about Rey…,”  
“Hey!” Finn grins, feeling his cheeks flush with a little heat. 

Jannah laughs. “Sorry, sorry. Can’t help it.” She picks her fork up again and resumes her meal. “So. What d’you think? Honesty?” 

“Yeah. I mean, like I said, I’ll try and find a way and the right time. Unless she resolves to get it out of me quicker,” he sighs, “and now that I think about it, I promised her I’d never keep secrets from her. It’s one of the trust boundaries we have.” 

“God, you’re so in love.”  
“What?!” 

“You are practically a couple.”

“Shut _up_!” 

* * *

The Orphanage is situated in the grounds of an old Jedi Temple and Academy. The buildings have been renovated since the Order fell, making room for more children, a school wing, and a medical bay. It’s still being developed but, funded by the founders, a rich family who’ve been on Arkoens for centuries, the Orphanage has a bright future ahead. 

Rey tells him she can still feel the strength of the Force in the grounds. It lingers from its days as a Temple. She says it’s comforting and helps her hone in her powers, deepening her connection to the Force and her roots in it. 

Finn can feel it growing as he approaches the grounds. Maybe it’s partly the fact that Rey is here that’s making it stronger. (Everything with her is stronger). Still, he can feel the pull of the Jedi, the Force, thrumming through his veins and his consciousness. He’s getting better at recognising even the faintest of his Force instincts, but this kind of strength pulling to him would be obvious to even the most oblivious of Force users.

It’s evident as he lands his ship in the bay beside the Orphanage that Rey is part of his connection to this place. She’s standing there as the gates to the land slide open dramatically, bouncing with excitement, and she runs towards him as soon as the way is clear. She glows. 

“Finn!” She waves to him, a huge smile on her face. 

Clearing the ramp, Finn grins when he sees her and meets her halfway. She wraps her arms around him, glowing with happiness in his presence, and Finn knows the feeling. He can only hug her with one arm, his other laden with bags of his things. 

“You’re here!” She grins, pulling away and looking in to his eyes. She’s radiant. For a moment, he forgets the nightmares. Just sees her eyes, right here in front of him, and knows that it’s _her_. Not the figure from his nightmares. Just Rey. 

“I’m here,” he smiles, briefly and gratefully feeling at peace in her presence. 

“Come on, let me show you to your quarters. They’re a little small, but you know, it’s a place to live. Right next to me. Can I take one of your bags?” She holds out a hand in offering. Finn passes her one of his two bags and she turns, crooking her elbow as an invitation for him to link it around his arm. 

He smiles and does so, walking beside her in to the compound. 

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Rey says, sounding genuinely relieved. When she came to visit Finn’s group a month ago, she had said that she’s been struggling a little. Finn’s glad he can be here for her. “The kids are so excited to meet you.” 

“You told them about me?” 

“Of course I did!” 

He chuckles. “I’m honoured.” 

“Only bad things, though,” she teases, nudging him with her elbow, still linked around his arm. 

“Gee, thanks.” He ducks his head and smiles bashfully. 

“Just kidding,” she smiles, “how could I ever say _anything_ bad about you?” 

He doesn’t say anything, but little does she know that he has heard her say bad things about him. At least a _version_ of her. The one that lives in his head, the one that never came but so nearly was. Maybe she was for a moment. She _was._ …

“Finn?” She questions, leading him up a path that leads to a big courtyard. “You alright?” 

“I’m good,” he replies, not entirely lying when he says, “just admiring the grounds.” The courtyard retains its ancient features, floor made up of hundreds of old sand-coloured stone pieces, rich green grass and plants growing through the cracks between slabs. Pillars line the buildings surrounding them, spaces where old windows once were now filled with newer glass structures. 

“You sure?”

Rey still has that suspicious vibe about her. She still knows he’s not alright. 

Finn nods. “It’s beautiful,” he says, trying to change the subject. 

“I’ll give you the real tour soon, but of what you can see from here, that building over there is the medical bay,” she points to a building on their right, two stories high with old bricks, then another three stories built as part of the renovations. The join between old and new brick is evident but artistic; the old brick had clearly crumbled from the top down until the point of new build, and the jagged line has created a shape across the wall which the new brick has been shaped to fit on top of. There are vines leading up from old to new, flourishing with life and colour and Finn doesn’t quite know how, but it feels like poetry. “That’s where you’ll be working.” 

“Wow,” he says.  
“And on the left is the main Orphanage building, with the kids’ bunks, recreational rooms, that sort of thing. And the big building right ahead of us,” she points to a building a little further away, so artfully built Finn doesn’t know how to describe it; the sun is shining on it, lighting up the flowers that adorn the walls, “is what’s being turned in to the school. There’s a building not yet occupied on the other side of the medical bay. We aren’t sure what to do with it yet.” 

Briefly, Finn thinks about all the children from the Order who were only young when the Order fell. “That’s amazing. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.” 

“The Jedi really knew how to design.” 

“They sure did.”

“Oh, and our quarters are in the building behind the Orphanage,” she leads them left down a path leading under an archway that bridges two halves of the building. There are vines growing up over the arch and birds that sit atop it, tweeting to each other. 

As they walk around the back of the building, Finn notices a wooden gate leading in to a garden filled with large plots of neatly lined-up flowers and green plants. 

Finn’s room is beside Rey’s on the ground floor, comprising of a single bunk sitting under the window, a desk down the left wall and a storage cabinet on the right. The window is new but the frame is part of the old building. There’s a little glass vase on the desk holding some fresh flowers sitting in water. Finn recognises them as flowers from the little garden behind the dormitory. 

“I thought you’d like some of the flowers in here,” Rey smiles, a little bashful, when she notices him looking at them. “A little housewarming present.” 

Finn smiles. His heart swells so much it feels like it might burst right out of his chest. “Thank you,” he says, “I love them.” 

Rey puts his bags down on the bed and turns back to look at him as Finn follows suit. “I help the children grow things in the garden. Flowers, herbs, fruits. We love it.” 

“Well, they’re beautiful.” 

“Thank you,” she says. “So my room is just next door. Your supervisor is coming to meet you this afternoon so until then I thought we could grab something to eat? I can cook us something.” 

“You know I love your cooking,” 

She beams. “I know.” 

The two of them catch up over lunch, and in the afternoon Finn meets his new supervisor and some of the children Rey works with. They’re all so excited to meet him, calling him “Hero Finn”, asking him questions about his brave adventures in the war. They’re so innocent, so light, and so happy even in the midst of all the challenges life throws at them. It’s inspiring, really. They look at Rey like she hung the stars in the sky and, honestly, Finn can relate. 

Rey introduces him to her gardening group in the early evening as they head out to tend the garden; it’s a group of children of all species and genders ranging from eight to eighteen years old. The kids are so excited to show Finn their garden; it’s clear that they’re proud of all the work they’ve done to help the plants grow and thrive, and their happiness and pride in their work makes Finn’s heart soar. He can see why Rey loves it so much here—and why she fits so well. 

He watches in awe as she teaches each student as they go, showing them the best way to remove weeds, tend to the plants and keep the natural growth surrounding each planter alive. She’s so knowledgeable and the children long to learn from her. They gaze up at her as she explains things, following everything she does as she shows them. Truly, she is in her element. Finn could watch her all day. She’s glowing, figuratively and literally. This Rey is an opposite Rey to the one in his nightmares. She’s all light, all freedom and innocence. The Rey he met all that time ago on Jakku, only happier, only lighter. 

Rey looks over at him for a minute and smiles. His heart soars but aches at the same time. He wishes so much he could forget that she ever hurt him. Wishes it was that simple; that he could just act like nothing is wrong. 

There’s a little frown on her face as she looks at him. She knows, just like she did a month ago when she came to the hospital, that something is wrong. 

Finn looks away.


	2. Part II - To Have This

Part two

Night falls, and it’s the same old, same old. 

Nightmares _again_. 

He picks up his holopad and calls Jannah, still a little out of breath from startling awake after seeing Rey come towards him with a red lightsaber. Jannah is a few hours behind him back in the city, so she should still be awake. She’s always the best at talking him down from this kind of thing. He wonders why she puts up with him, honestly. 

“Why aren’t you asleep?” Is the first thing she asks when she answers the call. She’s looking at him suspiciously. “It’s late where you are. Actually—it’s _early_. Kriff, what time _is_ it?” 

“I _was_ asleep,” he says, rubbing sleep from his eye. “Another nightmare.” 

“Did it not go well today? With Rey?” 

“No, it all went fine. I met my supervisor, I met some of the kids she works with. She’s—she’s amazing here, Jannah. Seeing her today made it feel like nothing is wrong.”

“You still haven’t told her you’re upset, huh?” 

“No,” he admits, “when I got here and I saw her, she looked so happy and carefree…,” 

“She would want you to tell her the truth.” 

“I know, but…,” he’s interrupted by a tentative knock on his door. It’s Rey. “Uh, Jannah, I gotta go. Call you back.” He puts his holopad down, pushes himself up so he’s sitting with his back against the wall, and says “uh, come in.” 

Carefully, she opens the door, looking in at him with a frown on her face. “Hey,” she says. “You okay? I heard you talking and…sensed something,” 

“I’m fine,” he says, “just a little trouble sleeping.” He could tell her. Right here, right now, he could tell her the truth. It’s like a cauldron bubbling over, the truth so ready to come out, to be released, so he can pick himself back up and move the fuck on. 

“Can I come in?” 

Finn nods. Rey closes the door behind her and tentatively sits on the bed beside him. It’s dark, but moonlight shines in through the translucent drapes, casting a monochrome glow throughout the room. Shadows are framing Rey’s face, her eyes only just visible in the low light. He can see her aura, though. She’s worried.

“Really, Rey, I’m fine,” 

She hesitates. “Nightmare?” 

He looks down. Nods. “Yeah.”

“Me, too.”

Looking back up at her, Finn offers a sad smile. “Sorry. It sucks.” 

She’s looking at him like she’s trying to work something out, like she wants to say something but isn’t sure how. Her mouth opens as if to speak, but closes again a second later, thinking better of her words.“You wanna take a walk?” She asks, a second thought. 

Surprised but grateful, Finn nods.

They walk around the grounds, moonlight casting enough light that they can easily see where they’re going. Their arms brush together. Neither of them say anything; they just walk in silence, the chilly air around them making their breath come out as steam. It clears his head, wakes him up. All the while there’s a tension building between them, something unspoken that Finn can’t quite put his finger on. Rey wants to say something, and so does Finn, and it’s getting a little ridiculous.

They head back inside after an hour or so and make their way to the kitchen. Rey brews them some of her special tea made from some plants in the garden and they head in to the living room. One of the lights turns on without either of them touching a switch. Finn isn’t sure which one of them did it, but he supposes it doesn’t matter. 

They sit in silence, again, for another ten minutes. He can’t explain the tension in the room, but he knows he wants to say it, and he knows Rey wants to ask. 

Eventually, _finally_ , she does. 

Well, he supposes, it’s now or never.

“Finn, are you mad at me?” 

He glances up at her. “What makes you say that?” 

“You aren’t looking at me right. I noticed it when I came to visit you.” 

He sighs through his nose, running a hand down his face as he tries to think how to even begin.

Rey speaks again, “And I can sense it. I can always sense when something’s off with you.” 

“Rey, you sense when something’s off with anyone.” His voice is soft. He can’t quite look at her. 

“Yes, but not like I do with you.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“You know what it means; it’s the same for you when it comes to me. We’ve always been in tune with each other.”

Finn clenches his jaw and looks down. Now the bitterness creeps in to the edges of his consciousness, memories of being left behind and always chosen second coming to mind. “Like you were with Kylo Ren?” 

She doesn’t correct the use of that name, just straightens a little and sighs ruefully. “So that’s what this is about.” 

“No. I mean—yes. Sort of.” Well, that’s not exactly the clear way Finn wanted to present his problem. 

“Because I kissed him?” 

“I don’t know! Yes—no—maybe! It’s more complicated than just—that.” 

“Yeah, you’re right. It is.” She sounds defensive, but like she isn’t sure why. She’s insecure about this and Finn can tell she doesn’t want to talk about it. 

“Look, Rey, whatever happened between you two is your business. It’s not…it’s not even really why I’m mad.” It’s not technically a lie. 

“Finn…,”

“Your lips are yours to do whatever you want with. It's not my place to tell you who you can and can't kiss.”

“But you're still mad about it.”

“It's not my place to be.”

“But are you?”

Ashamed, he looks down and admits, “a little.” 

She hesitates. “Why?”

Finn throws his arms up and then down again, flailing, trying to find words to explain. How does she not _know_ why? “Just—because! After everything he did to me—to _you_ —to all of us! It feels like you put him before us, over and over again, the people who were always there for you. Your family. _Me_ ,” he swirls his finger along the rim of his mug, trying not to let his voice crack. “And it’s not just because you kissed him; it’s because of everything else,” he pauses. “But it’s just…the kiss isn’t the point. I'm not in control of your life, Rey, and I don't want to be.”

There’s a long, heavy silence. Finn can feel her looking at him, can feel her hesitation, deciding something. When he glances up at her, her eyes are glassy with tears. He’s surprised to see her like that; upset and, in a way, ashamed. He can see it in the colours surrounding her.

She draws in a shaky breath. “It was a mistake,” her voice is small. “All of it. You’re right. I…I put him, and myself, before you, before Poe, before everyone. But…in that moment, Finn, with Palpatine—he _helped_ me. I needed his help, and he needed mine.”

“We should have been with you, Rey. You never had to do any of what you did without us.”

“I know,” she says. “But you’re right. It…it wasn’t just that, was it? It wasn’t just then that I screwed up?” 

Finn doesn’t answer. 

Rey continues, sounding a little frantic. “I—I wanted to believe in him; that he could come back. But I shouldn’t have let it go so far. I should have let it go that first time I went for him,” she looks down for a moment and sniffs, shrugging one shoulder. “But he kept reeling me in.… Maybe I never should have gone after him in the first place.… I’m sorry.” She pauses and breathes for a moment, looking away from him. Finn can tell she hasn’t finished speaking, so he just waits, patient and aching for her—aching for _something_. The truth, maybe. From himself. 

And then, she takes a short breath, holds it for a second in hesitation, and then says, “I just…wanted someone to need me.”

Finn is taken aback. He forgets for a minute that his plan was to tell her about the nightmares. He blinks at her, a frown gracing his forehead. “You—you wanted someone to _need_ you?” He asks, incredulous but not harsh. “Rey, what—what are you talking about? The Galaxy needed you. Everyone needed you.” 

“I mean… _someone_. A person. I wanted to feel—like I could save him, but also like someone believed _I_ could be saved. That I was worth saving. He made me feel like that. I know it’s twisted.” 

Finn’s frown deepens. He feels—put out, somehow. Like this is a slap in the face. Does she not know that she had people who cared for her? Surely she knows? Surely she knows that, right from the beginning, Finn has not only needed her, but _wanted_ her? He has never believed in anyone more in his entire life. He has pined for her, he has followed her to the corners of the Galaxy, has been there for her even when she’s hurt him, he has been willing to give his life for her time and time again—and she never even noticed? Is that why she kept pushing him away? Because she just never _saw_ him? 

Finn can’t. 

He falters for a moment, trying to speak, but he just—can’t. He gives up trying. Feels like he should’ve given up trying a long time ago. Instead he wordlessly puts his tea down, slowly stands up from his place on the couch and turns and walks away from her, not really knowing where he’s going, just that he has to go somewhere that’s not here. 

“Finn?” She calls after him and Finn can hear her footsteps following him, “Finn? Where are you going?” She’s panicked. She knows he’s upset, and it’s not in the way she’s seen before. 

He waves a hand in her general direction as he walks away, telling her to stop. She does. 

He carries on, and he doesn’t look back.

This did not go according to plan. 

Looking back, he knew it wouldn’t, but he didn’t think it would go _this_ way. 

He doesn’t sleep. 

He walks around for another couple of hours, trying to clear his head. He never thought that the way he’d get acquainted with this place and learn his way around would be on a moonlit walk in the middle of the night because he’d had a sort-of fight with Rey, but here he is. 

Finn already felt unwanted, but last night felt like he’d never even been seen. At least that’s how it had come across. He knows Rey struggles with emotional conflict like that, and he’s seen her say things the wrong way many times before. So maybe it’s all a big misunderstanding—maybe it all came wrong. 

Or maybe it was a big mistake coming here. Maybe it’s all just messed up forever.

But, regardless, he’s here now, and he has to remember he’s here for himself and not just Rey.

When the sun rises, Finn heads in to the kitchen and says hello to some of the other staff he met yesterday. There are two kitchens: one for the staff to make their own food, and one that caters for the mess hall to feed the children every meal time. Finn can hear the kids gathering in the hall, excitedly chattering with each other, telling stories of their dreams and what they hope is for breakfast this morning. 

Finn grabs some fruit, brews some caf, and heads in to the common room where a few of the staff are eating their own breakfast. He sits with a woman named Olea whom he met yesterday, and two new people he hasn’t met before. 

It takes him much longer to eat his breakfast than everyone else. He can’t stop thinking about what Rey said to him. All this time he’d been worried that he would upset Rey by telling her that she had hurt him, that he was afraid of her in his dreams, but now here he is, questioning everything after being told that the reason she kept leaving him in the lurch was because she wanted someone to _need_ her.

It’s definitely not what he expected. He doesn’t understand. Can’t get his head around any of this. 

He still doesn’t know if he even heard it right. 

This whole thing is so unfamiliar, so uncomfortable. Finn thinks he’ll go mad with it. 

Rey comes in to the common room just as Finn is about to leave. She stands in the doorway and stares at him, her eyes wide and a little sunken, the dark circles under them indicating she didn’t get any sleep either.

Finn’s heart aches, pulling him towards her, but he resists. He can’t go to her. Not right now. 

He looks away, and heads out the back door towards the med centre for his first shift. 

He finishes for the day at four in the afternoon. His supervisor, Miet, tells him he’s done a great job, gives him a debrief of the day and tells him to get a good night’s sleep for tomorrow. Finn almost laughs at that, but manages to contain himself. 

He changes out of his scrubs in the staff changing rooms, hanging them in his locker ready for the morning. Rey is still hanging heavy in his chest. Heavier than normal. It’s like he can’t get away from her—his brain wants to work this out and his heart just wants to be with her, no questions asked.

Rey must be in a similar headspace because as he leaves the building, she’s sitting on one of the circular benches in the courtyard. She stands up when she sees him, smoothing down her shirt with both hands, wide eyed and self conscious.

“Hey,” she says, voice quiet. “Can we talk?” 

_Please_ , Finn thinks. Instead of saying that, he just nods. “Here?” 

“My room? It’s…more private.” 

He nods and wordlessly heads in the direction of the dorms. 

When they get to Rey’s room, Finn stands by the window and waits for her to close the door behind her and put down her things. She turns to him, smoothing some hair back from her face. A part of him longs to do it for her. 

“Finn, I—I need to explain what I said.” 

“Don’t. It’s fine.” 

“No, it’s not, and you know it’s not,” she says, stepping closer. “Finn, I know why what I said was wrong. I didn’t mean it like it sounded. I need to explain. I know that all the time I wanted someone to want me, you did. I _know_ that.I always did!” 

He frowns, more confused than ever. “So why did you go off with Kylo for that reason when all he did up until the end was hurt you?” 

Rey sighs through her nose. “I can explain. I can try, at least. It’s complicated, Finn, and it sounds messed up and weird. I mean, it _is_ messed up and weird.” 

Finn looks at her. His heart and expression soften when he realises how vulnerable she looks; there’s something different about her aura, something honest and open. She’s ready to talk about this. So is Finn. It’s time to tell the damn truth—time for _both_ of them to tell the truth. 

“You can tell me anything, Rey.” Finn says, voice soft. 

She nods. “I know,” and then, face turning with sadness, “Finn…I’m not very good at this.” 

“At what?” 

“This. Relationships. Showing my true feelings without it coming out wrong,” she draws in a shaky breath, and begins to explain. “I don’t—find it easy to know when someone cares for me, or at least to trust that someone cares for me. But I—I don’t want you to think that I didn’t see you, that I didn’t feel that you cared for me, or that I didn’t care for you in return. I always did. I suppose I was just scared of it. I _am_ scared of it. And I don’t think I understood it much.” 

“Scared?”  
She nods. “Scared because…I’d never had anything quite like you before,” she says, almost whispering, stepping in closer and not breaking their intense shared gaze. “Kylo’s bond with me…it felt more familiar. It was dark, lonely, something born of hate and darkness. That’s all I’m used to, Finn. That’s all I understand. And I know the same is true for you too, but I can’t—I don’t find it as easy to adjust to… _love_ as you do. I can’t make sense of it like you do. You’re so full of _love_ , Finn, and you’re so good at accepting it. And I wish I could be like that. But…I’m not. I only know how to accept loss and hurt.” 

“Rey…,” 

“The thing I had with Ben…it was closer to what I’ve always known. Loneliness; chasing after someone who’s not coming to save me. So I’m…I’m not very good at recognising when something isn’t—good for me. Or maybe I do recognise it, and that’s why I chase it. It’s…messed up. I know that.”

Finn sighs softly through his nose. “I’m sorry, Rey.”

She shakes her head, clearly trying to hold back tears.“Don’t be,” she swallows thickly, “Finn, I want to get better at this. I want you to know that I know, deep down, that what Ben and I had was messed up. It wasn’t—love. It was a bond, a _bad_ bond. It was a connection, and I can’t deny that. And I’m so glad he ended up changing in the end. But…,” 

Finn nods like he understands, even though he mostly doesn’t. He keeps looking at her. Keeps listening.

“It wasn’t my job to turn him,” she admits, her voice soft and shameful. Regretful, even. “I thought it was. But it wasn’t. I know that now.” 

“It wasn’t your job at all, Rey. It never was. I could’ve told you that.” 

She nods, rueful. “I know. But I didn’t know how to take my own path without waiting for someone who isn’t there to come for me. Because that’s what I’ve always done—waited for people who aren’t going to come. I’ve waited for someone—someone who was never really interested in _me—_ to save me.”

It’s really clicking, now. Finn understands. For the first time, he truly understands why she did it all.

“And,” she says, “it wasn’t love, Finn. It wasn’t love that I always imagined would make me want to kiss someone,” she looks his face all over for a moment, and then reaches out, hesitantly touching his arm. Finn’s skin burns where she touches him, even though his jacket stands between her hand and his skin. Early evening sunlight highlights the freckles on her nose and cheeks. “Love doesn’t hurt or take or…or make you afraid like he did to me. There were times when I begged him to stop, to get away from me, and he didn’t. That’s not love. He saw the fear in my eyes and carried on anyway. Kylo Ren, Ben, whoever he ended up being—it wasn’t love. I know that now. I know that now,” she’s whispering, tone almost _begging_ somehow, looking so deep in to his eyes that Finn can barely move. It’s like she’s looking in to his soul. 

There’s a long moment of silence. They just breathe together for a short while, Finn trying to untangle the mixed emotions in his mind; in his heart.

“Finn,” Rey breathes, “what…what were you going to tell me? That day in the sinking sand pit?” 

Finn swallows. When he speaks, his voice is raspy as though he hasn’t used it in days. “I was going to tell you about my—my Force connection.” 

Rey nods. Doesn’t look away; just steps in even closer. Finn can feel her breath on his face now, and it’s maddening in the best way. Gods, he loves her. He’ll never stop. 

“There’s something else, isn’t there?” 

Finn nods and closes his eyes for a second. “There wasn’t then. But there—there is now.” His voice is shaking. So are his hands.

“Finn,” she whispers. “You can tell me anything.” 

“I don’t want to upset you.” 

She shakes her head, “you won’t,” she assures, and doesn’t say anything else. Just waits for him to speak. 

“You…hurt me,” he breathes, voice broken and thin like paper. “You hurt me, Rey. When you pushed me away, when you left me all those times, when you choose him. And I—don’t know how to deal with it.” 

Her eyes flood with tears, and a few fall out. She’s upset. Kriff. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, and he knows it’s stupid, knows that he’s _always_ apologising and he needs to learn that he doesn’t always have to be the one to try and fix everything. Especially this.

“Don’t say that,” Rey says, her face straightening. She moves away from him just an inch, moving her hand from his arm and dropping it back to her side. “Finn, don’t say that. Please. Stop apologising for things that aren’t wrong; for that aren’t your fault.” 

He shrugs. When he speaks, the tears hanging ready in his throat roughen his voice. “It’s all I’ve ever known.” 

Rey looks at him, and she understands. Somehow, she always understands. 

“Finn,” She whispers, wiping away her tears as if embarrassed by them. Finn knows the feeling. “Please. You’re _right_ —I _did_ hurt you. And I…I understand if you can never forgive me…,”

“Rey…,” 

“No, Finn,” briefly, she holds up a hand. “No. Don’t apologise to me. I am so, so sorry for what I did to you. For leaving you all those times, for being selfish, for pushing you away. I’m…so sorry I hurt you. I would have chosen you over everyone, Finn. If I hadn’t been…so scared of what that would mean.” Her voice breaks, trying her hardest not to cry any more, but it’s not all that successful. 

Finn’s in the same boat. Tears are falling freely down his cheeks now, no matter how hard he tries to control them. “Rey,” he croaks. Might as well tell her everything now that the dam has broken. “Can I confess something else?” 

“Always.” 

“I—I’ve been having nightmares. About…you. Us.” 

Rey’s lip quivers. “You have?” 

Hesitantly, he nods, not wanting her to think that it’s because she’s evil or dark, or because he hates her. It’s the opposite: he loves her. And that’s why it hurts. 

Her next words shock him. 

“So have I,” she whispers, disbelief in her voice and on her face, “so have I, Finn. I keep dreaming I’m pushing you away and I choose Kylo over you and I’m—and I’m telling you awful things like that—”

“That you hate me?” 

She pauses, startled. “How—how did you know?” 

“It’s the dream I’ve been having, too.”

Rey steps back. Finn wishes she wouldn’t, and at the same time wishes she’d step further away. “Oh my Gods,” she whispers, shaking her head. “We’ve been having the same dream. The Force was trying to tell me how you were feeling. That you were hurt and afraid. And I _didn’t_ _listen_.” 

“Listening to it isn’t always easy,” Finn mutters, sadly shrugging one shoulder and dropping his gaze to the floor. “We’re only human. It gets in the way.”

“You understand,” she says it like she can’t believe it, even though she’s always known, “Finn, how do you _always_ understand?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“I know I had a weird Force bond… _thing_ with Ben—Kylo—” she falters, “with _him_ , but…,” 

Finn looks up at her then. He doesn’t know what exactly he’s feeling, but he hopes that whatever it is, she can sense it. “But?” 

She looks at him. Meets his eyes. There’s so much behind her eyes, on her face, in her aura. Finn never usually finds it hard to read Rey, but right now, there are so many emotions inside her that he can’t pinpoint one exact feeling. 

That is, until, she rushes towards him, hands outstretched, softly and carefully cupping his face as soon as she reaches him. He can see it, now. Reds, purples and blues surround her. Finn knows _this_. He knows those colours, knows _her_ colours. 

Love.

“Finn…you don’t have to forgive me. But I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I wish I could go back and do it again, do it differently. I wouldn’t push you away, I would _choose you_!” 

“You weren’t yourself.” Finn says, and he believes every word, but isn’t sure it’s much of an excuse anymore. 

He’s breathless. She’s standing so close. Touching his skin. 

“No, I wasn’t,” she says, “But that doesn’t make it okay. I never, ever, _ever_ want to hurt you. Finn—you’re Finn,” her cheeks are covered in tears old and new. He wants to wipe them away—kiss them away—take them away— “I can’t hurt you. I won’t again. Please…trust me. I’d choose you, Finn. Over everyone. I will, now; I _can_. Can you trust me when I say that?” 

He takes a deep, trembling breath. She’s so close. “I do trust you,” he says honestly, “I always have.” Drawing in a deep, shaky breath, he asks himself, _do I forgive her?_

And it’s not only his own mind, but the Force as well, that respond with a resounding _yes, yes, yes._ Rey knows, now, how cut up he’s been about this. And he confessed it to her without anything bad happening! It really is okay for him to be honest with her, and he’s always knownit, but he’s never truly _known_ it.

Until now.

He supposes they’ve both had pretty messed up experiences with relationships in their lives. They just respond differently to it. 

It’s not easy or perfect, Finn knows that—it can’t be—but maybe, just maybe, with the two of them together it can be simple. 

He smiles, tiny but real, and nods. “I forgive you, Rey,” and he means it. He truly does, now. “I forgive you. I was so scared to tell you I was angry and upset.” 

She shakes her head. Smoothes her thumbs over his cheekbones. “Finn…please never be afraid to tell me anything. Okay? I’ve got you, Finn. I’m here for you.” 

“I know. I’m here for you, too.” 

“Promise me. Promise me you know I won’t ever judge you?” 

“I promise, Rey. I promise you so much.”

She smiles. Whispers, “Finn.” She says it like she knows what they both want to say; urging him to be the first. It’s enough to make his heart race.

Finn hesitates for a long moment, grateful for Rey’s unwavering touch. Her connection. Taking a breath, he raises his hand to hers where it sits against his cheek and places his atop, closing his eyes for a moment, feeling a connection to Rey like he never has before. He recognises it instantly as the Force: their closeness, physically and emotionally, is growing stronger. It’s _always_ growing stronger, whether they’re standing like this or they’re lightyears apart. 

And then he breathes it out, the words he’s been wanting to say since that day on Takodana when he left her for the first—and last—time. “I love you, Rey,” he doesn’t know how he’s still holding her gaze, “I always have. I love you—like I’ve never loved anyone. God, I love you so much I’ve been running away from it for the past five months.” 

Rey laughs, tearful and sad. “I know,” she says, “I think I’ve been running away from it since I met you. But I think we needed space to realise how we felt and to work some things out.” 

Finn pauses. “We?” He prompts. 

Rey smoothes her thumb over his cheekbone. Her expression straightens in to something sure and determined, and it makes Finn’s heart clench in his chest. “I love you, Finn,” she says, sliding her hands back so they hold the nape of his neck. Finn could swear he’s forgotten how to breathe. “Since we met, you’ve shown me what love really is. And I’ve run away from that; from you,” she swallows, “I looked for the only thing I knew—pain and loneliness—and I found it in someone who tried to hurt and control me. But you.… I don’t know how I got so lucky. Finn, it’s _you_. It’s always been you,” she smoothes her fingertips over the hair at the back of his head, and then breathes, **“** I love you, Finn. I always have. I’m sorry it took me so long.” 

Finn is speechless. His hands are shaking as he lifts them up to cradle her face, brushing a strand of hair from her cheek. He laughs breathily, mostly in disbelief, partly in awe. “I don’t—Rey, can I…,” he’s looking down at her lips.

Rey’s smile is radiant as she says, “Finn, please, please kiss me. I think I’ll die if you don’t.” 

Oh, and that strikes a nerve. He sucks in a sharp breath and lifts his hand away from her face. Not knowing what’s wrong, Rey takes her hands off him and leaves them hovering right above his skin. He doesn’t pull away, exactly, but their closeness ebbs for a moment. Finn knows she feels his discomfort. 

“Finn?” 

“Sorry, it’s just…,” he shakes his head. “A bit too real.” 

Her forehead straightens in realisation. “Oh,” she says, “oh, Finn, I’m sorry—I forgot—”

Finn screws his eyes shut and wills himself not to cry, not to spiral, not to panic. “I could never forget,”

“Finn,” her voice shakes. “I’m sorry, Finn,” 

“I felt you _die_ , Rey,”

“I know.” 

“And then you came back to life—because of Kylo. Ben. Him…,” he shakes his head, “how can I be as angry at that man as I am, but also be so grateful because you’re here because of him?” 

Rey’s forehead wrinkles. “Like you said,” she shrugs a shoulder, “it’s complicated.” 

He laughs, and it’s only a little bitter. “You’re not kidding.” 

“Finn,” she steps in closer again, a little hesitant, and places her hand over his chest where his heart lays. “No matter what happens, Finn, I’m always with you. In here.” She taps his chest. 

Finn blinks, and tears fall. “Same here, Rey,” 

“But for right now,” slowly, her hand moves up his chest and towards his shoulder, caressing his collar bone and then his neck. Finn’s skin burns at the touch, and he revels in it. “For right now, I’m here,” she leans in, presses their foreheads together. Her breath is on his lips. His heart is racing, but not because he’s thinking of the past anymore. “I’m here, Finn. With you. Now. Always.” 

Finn brings up his hand, gently brushing the backs of his fingers down her cheek. She’s so warm, so close, so familiar. She’s Rey. 

She’s _here_. 

“I love you,” she whispers, one hand holding the back of his neck and the other sitting on his chest. “I love _you_ , Finn.”

It only takes a tiny tilt of his chin for their lips to meet. He catches her mouth in his, her top lip caught between both of his, and Rey sighs against him. He thinks it’s the best sound he’s ever heard. 

Gently, he pulls away a little and then moves back in, capturing their lips together once more. Rey leans in to him, kissing him back, giving and taking, clenching her hands in to fists against his hair. 

Finn sighs, cupping her face between both of his hands. He holds her like she’s everything in the Galaxy—and, well, right now, she is. 

She is. 

That night, after dinner and holovid night with some of the children, Finn fully intends on retiring to his room for the night. Really, he does. 

But when he finishes his shower and walks out of the ’fresher, Rey is leaning on the wall between their two bedroom doors opposite the refresher. She’s wearing just her nightdress: a dark purple tunic with thin straps and fabric that crosses over her stomach and falls down to her knees. She beams at him when she sees him. 

“Hey, you,” Finn smiles, heart glowing. She’s radiant. Finn looks at the freckles on her shoulders, having only seen her skin there a few times in the time they’ve known each other, and he’s never wanted to trace them with his fingers more than he does right now.  
“Hey,” she smiles, leaning in for a quick kiss as she takes the towel from his arms. “I’m on laundry duty this week. I’ll put this in my hamper.” 

Finn nods. “Thanks. Are you headed to bed?” 

She shrugs one shoulder, reaching out to take one of his hands in hers. “That depends,” 

“On what?” 

“If you want to go for a walk.” 

Smiling, Finn squeezes her hand. “Sure. Any destination in mind?” 

She nods. “Yup. It’s a surprise. Let me just throw your towel in my room,” letting go of his hand she turns and opens her bedroom door, just peeking around it to aim for the basket. She gets the towel in first time, of course, and turns to him with a satisfied grin. “Let’s go.” 

Finn grabs his jacket before they leave, and Rey leads them out of the building and on to a path that runs behind the dorms, starting up a small hill leading towards the soon-to-be school. A clear night sky hangs above them, dancing with stars and planets and lit up with twin moons. It’s a little chilly out here, but walking helps keep them warm enough. 

Rey holds his hand for the whole walk, even as they head up narrow paths and have to walk in a single-file line, climbing over rocks in the path and up old, forgotten stairs. Finn doesn’t even question where they’re going or why she’s leading them up such a rocky path on to a hill. He just enjoys her company, her constant thrum surrounding him in the Force, colours dancing in the dark. He enjoys the air surrounding them, cold and fresh, the Force that lives in the old Temple grounds a constant reminder of times that have been. 

He can see why Rey loves it here. 

Eventually, they make it to the top of the hill. It’s right at the back of the Temple grounds, looking out over the entire compound, and there’s a stone circle in the centre of the hilltop, the Jedi Order symbol engraved in to it. It’s slightly grown over with moss and plants, but in a way that looks like something new making something old even more beautiful. It doesn’t look old and forgotten; only old and changed. 

“Wow,” Finn says, a little breathless. Not only can they see the Orphanage from here but the town beyond, as well, with lights twinkling from houses and speeders, some going off in to the distance and some arriving in to the village. 

“Isn’t it beautiful? I found it one night when I had a nightmare. Just wanted to clear my head, and I felt called here, I guess.” 

“Is it an old meditation gathering?” 

Rey nods. “The Jedi used to meet here to meditate during times of trouble, to connect to the Force and seek guidance.” 

“This place is alive with history,” Finn muses, crouching down to run his hand over the stone emblem before them. “If you know where to look.” 

“Or what to feel.” 

Finn smiles. He admires the new life surrounding old for another moment before glancing up at Rey and finding her smiling down at him. “What?” He asks, standing up and frowning curiously at her. 

She doesn’t say anything. Just reaches out with one hand to cup his cheek, then leans in to kiss him; a soft, closed-mouthed kiss, so tender and gentle.

“What was that for?” Finn asks as she pulls away. Not that he’s complaining, of course.

Rey smiles, shaking her head a little. “Just wanted to. That OK?” 

“Always.” He says, and means it. 

They sit atop the hill for what must be an hour. Finn gives her his jacket when she starts to get cold, placing it on her shoulders and then wrapping his arms around her. She rests her head on his shoulder and Finn can feel her breath on his neck. It feels like home. _She_ feels like home. 

“Finn,” Rey entwines their hands together and looks down at them, sliding her fingertips through the gaps in Finn’s fingers. 

“Mm?” He murmurs. 

She doesn’t respond, at first. Finn reaches out with the Force, checking she’s alright, and all he finds is that she doesn’t have any words to say. She’s searching for them, though, trying to describe how she’s feeling, trying to say _something_ that will convey the feeling of home.

Somehow, Finn understands. 

“I know,” he says. 

She brings up their joined hands to her lips and kisses the top of his hand, then nuzzles against it. “You always do.” 

When they make it back inside another hour later, Rey leads Finn to her room without hesitation. Finn follows, his heart pounding in his ears, his love for her overwhelming and anticipation of things to come simmering around the edges of his heart. She shrugs off his jacket after closing the door behind them, hanging it on one of the bedposts. Rey’s bed is bigger than Finn’s, made of wood instead of metals. She’s decorated it with a handmade blanket made by the children here. There’s a line of little plants on her windowsill, illuminated in the moonlight. 

Rey turns on the little light beside her bed and closes the curtains on the window, careful not to knock the plants. She turns to him, shadows cast on one side of her face, and smoothes down her nightdress. 

“I…wondered if you wanted to stay,” she says, suddenly sounding small and vulnerable. “It’s okay if not.” 

Finn’s heart skips a beat. “I’d love to,” he says. “Are you sure?” 

Smiling, she steps closer and leans in to kiss him. “I’m sure.” 

She lays on her bed on the side that presses against the wall, and pats the mattress beside her, inviting Finn to join. He takes off his shoes, leaving them by the foot of the bed, and smoothes his hair down before climbing in beside her. 

Rey lifts up a blanket and shrugs it over the both of them, then meets his eyes with a shy smile. 

Finn can’t help it. He reaches out to brush the backs of his fingers down her cheek, unable to see her freckles in this light, but knowing they’re there, under his fingers, dancing under his skin. 

“You are…so beautiful,” he whispers, not entirely sure if he said it out loud or just in his head. 

Rey smiles. He said it out loud, then. Or maybe he didn’t, but she heard it anyway. 

Slowly, she moves in closer to him, bringing up her hand to cup the side of his neck. Her head is resting on the pillow but she lifts it as she gets closer, parting her lips just before meeting his in a gentle but needy kiss. 

Finn reciprocates instantly, responding in turn by opening his lips and moving them against hers, letting his hand slide back to hold the back of her neck. He works his fingers up in to her hair and they get stuck on one of the the hairbands she has tying her hair back. 

Rey parts from his lips, rushing to undo her hair buns, throwing each elastic across the room in a hurry to get back to his mouth. She shakes her head, allowing her locks to flow freely, and gives him a quick smile before leaning back in. Finn gently pushes his hand up in to her hair, tangling his fingers in it, gently rubbing her scalp with his fingertips. Rey sighs against his lips.

She’s half on top of him now, with Finn on his back and Rey over him, propped up on one elbow, the top half of her body hovering above him. Finn reaches up with his other hand so he can fully cup the back of her neck, spreading his fingers against her skin. She holds his face between her hands, kissing him as though it’s all she wants to do for the rest of time; with purpose and clarity and passion.

After a few minutes, Rey rolls back on to her side and breaks the kiss for a moment, a little breathless. Finn turns on to his side to face her. 

“If you want to stop,” she breathes, pupils blown wide, “we can stop. Whenever you want. But I’m good to keep going, if you are.” 

Finn is quiet for a brief moment, kind of lost for words. He blinks at her, breathing fast through his parted lips, wet from her mouth. “Me, too.” 

Rey grins. She shuffles closer to him on the bed, touching his face, smoothing her thumb over his cheekbone. Carefully, she brings up her leg and lays it over Finn’s thigh, hooking her calf over and under his. 

Finn has forgotten how to breathe. His hands have begun to tremble just a little, not necessarily from nerves but from the sheer passion between the two of them. The Force hums around them even stronger than ever, and Rey is glowing happy colours, radiating her feelings to him through the Force. 

Finn lifts his arm and, ever so gently, places his shaking hand on Rey’s knee. Slowly, he traces the tips of his fingers up the side of her thigh, catching on the hem of her nightdress as they go. He doesn’t stop; moves his hand up and up until it’s placed on her waist, nightdress fully lifted up and still trapped under his palm. Rey is watching his face with wide, awestruck eyes. 

Finn raises his eyebrows, a question, and Rey nods. 

She moves her hand from his cheek, slowly sliding it down his side over his T-shirt, splaying her fingers out along the fabric as she moves. When she reaches the hem, she slides her fingers under it so they touch the skin at his hip. Her fingers are cold, but Finn barely even registers it. 

Her hands then move up under his shirt, along his bare skin, coasting up his abdomen and chest. Finn’s heart is beating out of his chest. Finn wonders if she can feel it. He’s never felt more alive.

She moves her face closer to his, pressing their foreheads together, her hand now settled on his chest over his heart.

“Finn,” she whispers, and her voice is heavy with desire, with _want_. She tilts her chin just enough to brush their lips together, only just kissing him. “Finn,” she says again, tone begging. Finn can feel her breath in his mouth. “Take me.” 

And, well, they’ve waited long enough. 

Epilogue 

In a small, refurbished home on the edge of the Orphanage grounds, Finn lives with his girlfriend, Rey, now a few months out of his medical training and in to life as a licensed medic. 

As Finn had entered in to his third and penultimate year of studies, he and Rey began to plan for life after his final year. They decided early in to their realtionship that the best jobs for both of them were where they were. But Finn had had an idea—he’d had it since that first day he went to visit the Orphanage—that he told Rey one night while neither of them could sleep. 

He wanted to open a stormtrooper rehabilitation wing in the Orphanage for children from the Order. At this point, the centre in the city was thriving after its three years of getting on its feet, and it was helping so many people. They still got new patients coming in every day, even years on from the fall of the Order. There were— _are_ —still so many people out there, in the very depths and expanses of the Galaxy, lost and afraid after the fall, and it can take a while for them to find their way to the centre. 

With that being said, adult ex-troopers are one thing, but ex-troopers who are _children_ are another, and Finn couldn’t stand the thought of it, and couldn’t bring himself to ignore them.

(On any planet you visit nowadays, there are homeless children. An abundance of them. They all have that look that Finn recognises; the haunting of the Order, the desperate and _lost_ aura surrounding them that comes from not knowing who you are without the training, the routine, the discipline. There are homeless kids here, on Arkoens, and sometimes they can be directed to the Orphanage, but more often than not, they need specific medical and psychological care that the Orphanage isn’t equipped to handle because they are ex-troopers, and it takes more than a roof over their heads to get the nightmares out of them. They are _children_ ; they have been taught for the entirety of their short lives that their only purpose was to grow up and serve the Order at all costs. But now they’re just children—not part of a family, not part of an Order, not part of _anything_.)

Finn understands them. 

All of the kids at the Orphanage have been through trauma—of _course_ they have. But the rehabilitation of child ex-troopers is something the Orphanage doesn’t have the resources to handle. 

Or, at least, they _didn’t_ before Finn had anything to say about it. 

If you asked him, Finn wouldn’t know how to describe the expression on her face when he told Rey his idea. Her eyes lit up, becoming glassy with tears, and she had gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. 

“Finn,” she whispered, “that’s…that’s _perfect_.”

“You think?” He’d asked, hopeful. 

She nodded and reached out to cup his face between her hands, laughing a little. “Yes! We can set it up in the building waiting to be refurbished, you can lead the medical wing for them once you graduate, we can bring in more volunteers and workers…,” 

Finn nodded. “I thought all that, too.” 

“Maybe we can even live together. There’s small homes in the compound, built for the founders, that are empty now. Some of the head supervisors are beginning to move in now that the founding family don’t stay at the Orphanage anymore—and I’m sure they’d let the founder of a new programme live in one!” 

“You think they’d consider it?” 

“I think they’d more than consider it.” 

“You’d…want to live together?” 

“You know that’s what I’ve always wanted. A life. You and me—together.”

Finn had grinned and leaned in to press a kiss to her lips. “Me, too.” 

She kissed him. “It’s perfect,” she said, sliding her hands back so she was holding the back of his neck. “You’re perfect.” 

“No,” he kissed her, “that’s you.” 

“I love you,” kiss, “so much,” kiss, “your heart never fails to amaze me, Finn.” 

Now here they are, twenty months later, beginning to set up the programme. Finn and Rey had met with the family who funds the Orphanage to discuss costs, and they were more than happy to fund it. The new medical wing is getting on its feet, Finn and the lead medical specialist Dr. Leey heading the operation. Finn is beginning a new period of medical training, choosing to specialise in psychology, aiming to become a specialist in treating patients with post traumatic stress. He already runs counselling for the first few young children who are coming to the Orphanage, both group sessions and one-to-one. 

Once a month, he returns to the city to visit the support group he set up. Jannah runs it now, having learned a lot from Finn who, as she put it, “is a natural at leading”. Jannah has chosen to specialise in general practices, being able to handle a wide range of issues in different types of patients. 

Poe has found himself a boyfriend, and they live together now, just outside the Capital, working together at a shipyard that fixes up ships and speeders. Finn couldn’t be happier for him. 

Finn and Rey’s little house really is little—one story, open-plan living with their bed right there in the living room, the only separate room being the refresher. There’s a little garden where Rey likes to grow their own fruits, vegetables and flowers, often using them in her dishes, always learning about new things to cook. 

And as for the Force—well, Finn is stronger in it now than ever. He’s honed in his powers, with the help of Rey and the guidance of the Force surrounding them; all the Jedi have helped him find his place and helped him to master his power. Some of the kids in the Orphanage are clearly Force-wielders and, once the rehabilitation wing is up and running, he and Rey plan on looking in to beginning some sort of training for the children who need it. Not official Jedi training, as such; it’ll be helping them to understand the power they posses and trying to guide them down the right path, while leaving room for them to choose how they want to live their lives as Force users.

“Finn?” Rey’s voice calls to him from the garden. 

Finn heads over to the open back door, squinting in the sunlight as it hits him. It’s early evening, just before dinner, and he and Rey are expecting Poe, his partner and Jannah to arrive any minute. They’re having a housewarming dinner, just the five of them (six, including BB8), to celebrate this new chapter in their lives. 

Outside, Rey is bent over her flower pots, collection basket suspended in the air, holding her harvested plants. Finn smiles at her casual use of the Force. 

“Yeah?” 

“Could you pass me my clippers? I left them in the kitchen. There are some dead leaves I need to get rid of.”

“Sure,” Finn goes back inside to grab them and then heads back out. She smiles at him as he hands them over and leans in to kiss him. 

“Thank you,” 

He kisses her cheek before she crouches down to clip said dead leaves. “You’re welcome. Hey, are we gonna use some of these veggies in tonight’s dinner?” 

“No, I’ve already prepared tonight’s. These are for tomorrow.” 

“We’ve got a lot.”  
“I know. We might have to give some to Poe and Jannah to take home,” 

Finn chuckles, “I’m sure they wouldn’t complain.” 

Rey looks up at him and smiles. She stands, dusting off her hands and leaning in to press a kiss to his lips. “You look extra handsome today. Think it’s the sunlight.” She rubs away a bit of dirt from his cheek—dirt that she accidentally put there in the first place.

Finn grins, placing his hands on her waist, kissing her forehead. “Thank you, love. You look as perfect as ever.” 

Rey closes her eyes and presses her face in to his neck, placing a little kiss there. “I’m happy. That’s why.”

Softly, Finn smiles. He takes a deep breath, looks around him for a minute, and closes his eyes. “Me, too.” 

And that night, gathered around a table surrounded by Poe and his boyfriend, Alen, and Jannah, and the love of his life, it really hits Finn how much that’s true. 

He never thought he’d have this—a home, a family, a _life_. A life he chose, _people_ he chose; people who chose him! 

They eat, drink, laugh, tell stories and share memories. Rey has her hand on Finn’s thigh and a glass of her favourite wine in the other hand, her cheeks flushed red, face aglow in the firelight that burns beside them. Poe looks so at home, so content. Finn doesn’t think he’s ever seen him look quite as at peace before. He knows how much war took its toll on Poe, how long it lingered, but now it’s like a cloud has lifted. And, really, Finn can relate. 

Things aren’t perfect, and anyone knows things haven’t _been_ perfect. But after it all, after all the pain, the loss, the anger, the sacrifice—after it all, Finn is starting to think that maybe, just maybe, it’s all okay now. 

“You okay?” Rey asks him quietly as the two of them clear everyone’s plates in to the kitchen. 

Finn turns to look at her.

“You’ve gone quiet.” 

He swallows, suddenly teary, and looks in to her eyes. It’s been a long time since he looked at her and saw the Rey from the hardest parts of their past; the Rey from his nightmares. In fact, he can’t remember the last time it happened. 

They don’t talk about Kylo. Rey doesn’t want to. Only in the night when she has nightmares about him, when she’s confused about what happened and what she did.

But it’s in the past, and it’s finally starting to feel like it. 

He nods, reaching out to take her hand and hold it tight. “Just happy,” he whispers. He shrugs one shoulder, leaning in to kiss her forehead. “I’m home.” 

Rey smiles like she understands. And, Finn supposes, she does. 

He can’t help it. He leans in to kiss her, capturing her top lip between both of his. It takes her by surprise but she kisses him back, dropping the plates in to the sink to cup his face between her hands. 

The clatter of the crockery alerts their guests. 

“Hey, lovebirds, get a room!” Poe calls to them, “this isn’t what we thought you meant when you said _housewarming_!” 

Everyone laughs, including Finn and Rey, Finn’s cheeks flushing with warmth. 

“Sorry,” Finn chuckles, “I was just saying to Rey that I’m happy, is all.” 

Everyone smiles. They head back over to the table, Rey with a fresh bottle of wine, and Poe reaches out to squeeze Finn’s hand when he sits down. 

And after it all, Finn thinks that maybe, just maybe, it was worth it. 

It’s been hell getting here. But he found Rey, he found Poe and Jannah and, most importantly, he found _himself_. He’s here in his new home, basking in the glow of a little too much alcohol, a good meal and a fireplace. The glow of the Force surrounding his loved ones, seeing their colours and their feelings, the radiance of their bonds to one another. 

In the end, really…it was worth it. To have this. 

To have this. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was an emotional one for me. 2015 Finn and Rey--this is for you.


End file.
